I wrote this sometime during my travels in the last two years, and it remains relevant so I thought I’d share:
We are light beings having a human experience. This is the reality. And yet, our bodies, our human form, this container, begs to differ. We are born anew into these containers. You can look into a baby’s eyes and see their light, see their recognition of the Infinite. As we age, we begin to lose this knowing. We begin to identify with the containers we occupy. We become attached to them. MY legs. MY skin. MY nose. MY body. We lose touch with the Infinite reality thus limiting ourselves to finite experiences. And if our body succumbs to disease? Forget about it! Our attachment to this reality becomes that much stronger.
Today I pulled a card during sadhana: Five of air. It’s a gorgeous picture of a angel with a blindfold holding a mask in front of her heart. This message of “dropping the mask” continues to arise for me. What I am learning is that each time I remove a mask, becoming more authentically myself, I find another layer, a mask under the mask. I keep redefining myself and learning that even this is a lie. It’s all just an illusion.
The Five of Air represents a conflict between what is real and what is believed.
This is such a powerful statement: A conflict between what is real and what is believed.
What is real? What is believed to be real? Where are we lying to ourselves? Why do we choose to deceive ourselves? Why do we find it ‘easier’ to believe the lie? To protect ourselves from reality? What is real?
These questions are mind boggling. And challenging to address. Often we deceive ourselves in order to prevent the experience of pain. Maybe we feel if we are honest with ourselves and are true to ourselves, we will not be accepted by our peers. Maybe we fear that if we explore the deep recesses of our dark corners, we won’t survive the pain uncovered.
I am actively working to drop the need for the good opinion of others. As a child, I thrived on praise. I always strived to do my best, make good decisions, look after others, and was rewarded with praise from adults. I loved getting positive attention this way. I became addicted to it.
As my yoga and meditation practice deepened, I became aware of this addiction. In turn, I over-corrected – when helping out loved ones and strangers alike, I wanted no one to know of my services. I was stealthy and snuck around performing acts of service, trying to hide in dark corners for fear of being discovered. This wasn’t self-less service for it, too, became an addiction. Replacing one with another…. How often do we do that?
When I started serving on medical missions, I soon realized that people created their own opinions and realities of who this meant I was; what kind of person I am. Because of the group I serve with and because of where I live in the world, people automatically assume that I am a devout Christian. This allows them to put me in a box and apply a whole new set of labels to me.* Most look at this work as selfless work, and even put you on a pedestal for giving of yourself in this way. I tried hard not to let this praise effect me, but found it challenging not to revert back to my old patterns of being happy others think good of me. Is this why I serve? Truthfully, no.
[*SIDE NOTE: We feel more comfortable when we can label things, when we can stick someone in a box. White. Female. Christian. Nurse. Servant. Mother. Daughter. Southerner. Placing labels on someone make us feel safer. It also separates us, creating division between ‘us’ and ‘them’. I am someone who lives outside of the box: independent female in her late thirties, happily never married, explorer of the inner and outer world, constantly evolving. Even writing this list out, I’m labeling myself. Trading one label for the other. Living outside of the box makes people uneasy, it makes you unpredictable and therefore unsafe.]
This is where my original journal note ended…. I’m not sure what I meant to say next, but I wanted to share it today because I’m still navigating these waters. As I deepen my practice, I continue to have glimpses and experiences of my Truth. And then I get sucked into the world, forgetting my true nature, losing myself in the labels and conditioning, expectations of society and family, and most commonly, to the fears of my lower mind. But, I am committed to my evolution. I feel so fortunate to have access to practices that support me, that are always there when I notice the pattern. A practice that allows me to access my Truth. As I walk the path, this gets easier. The fluctuations seem to get less dramatic. I am kinder to myself. This is a BIG ONE. I’ve started treating myself better – like I would my most beloved friend. I’ve befriended myself. This chick is pretty phenomenal and she deserves the best of the best. She’s discovering what’s important and what is not. She’s finding her voice. She’s gaining confidence and radiance. And, not for any end gain. Not for any praise or adoration. She’s slowly gaining more Vairagyam - supreme detachment. Learning to live in the world but not be of the world. Because She’s experienced her Truth. She is the manifest form of the un-manifest. She is the finite form of the Infinite {AND YOU ARE TOO} So much more than labels. And masks. Trying to define the undefinable. Name the unnamable. Slowly but surely, I am surrendering to the vastness that is my Being.